I just started working in an office.
I know. It’s not the most interesting start to a blog post, but stay with me- it gets better.
“Just started” is probably a little misleading. It’s not like I’ve never worked in an office before—I spent seven years in commercial real estate before realizing there was more to life than excel spreadsheets and dirty old men who hate their wives.
So, I took two years off and now I’m back. Four days a week.
Why? You ask? Because I got tired of crashing at my boyfriend’s apartment with his three roommates and their disgusting bathrooms. Sidenote– what is it about men and the inability to clean pubic hair off a tile floor? It’s like they don’t notice the miniature black fur that clings to their toes, towels and socks and then they hop into bed bringing a forest of bacteria with them and wonder why their sheets don’t stay clean. Ugh.
What was I talking about? Oh yea, why I work in an office.
After chasing projects and payments and trying to survive in one of the most expensive cities in the world, I decided that I needed a more stable paycheck. And better health insurance. I also grew tired of wasting my creative energies on other people’s projects with nothing left over for myself at the end of the day.
But what I gained in stability, I gave up in freedom.
I’m sorry, I have to be where? At what time? For how long? Exactly what do you mean by PTO?
When I read the “you may not take pre-planned vacation days for the first six months of employment,” clause in my contract, I almost quit on the spot and moved back into my boyfriend’s apartment. Then I pictured the pubic hair and got over it.
So now I get Fridays off. And let me tell you, being cooped up in an office four days a week is pretty educational. Here are 10 things I’ve learned:
1) Fishnet tights are not “office appropriate.”
2) Neither are Uggs.
3) Wearing them together will get you sent home.
4) “Whitney/Britney” is a term. Definition: A girl (or woman) who goes crazy over a guy because he gives her good sex. Celebrity examples: Whitney Houston and Brittney Spears (hence the name). Halle Berry is another good example (‘sup David Justice). If you used it in a sentence: Geeerl, Nicole is trippin—her man was all boo’d up with some other woman and she went Whitney/Brittney on his ass.
5) So is “Boo’d up”. Definition: When two people are all over each other, acting like a couple. Used in a sentence: We were sitting at the bar, all boo’d up and such, and this girl straight walks up to my man and hands him her business card.
6) Margaritas at lunch are totally acceptable. But only if your boss buys them. Otherwise, you may need #7.
7) A medium au lait with a shot of espresso negates the effect of said margaritas and may hide tequila breath. It also makes everyone but the over-caffeinated Italian behind the counter look at you sideways.
8 ) I’d pay $4 not to drink free coffee.
9) Lobby “security” is completely useless unless you’ve forgotten your badge. Then they’re vigilantes, saving the world, one disorganized tenant at a time.
10) If a man complains he’s busy, it’s because he’s spent the last 45 minutes bitching about his fantasy football teams. Yes, that’s teams, with an “s”.